BETWEEN COFFEE & CHAOS: Why I Chose Private School For My Child With ADHD & ODD

Choosing The Right School Isn’t One Size Fits All

I have 3 school aged children and they all go to different schools. My 7 year old goes to a public school that offers speech therapy. My 14 year old goes to a public high school that accommodates grades 6th – 12th. But my 11 year old goes to a small faith based private school. It makes after school a chore but it’s what was best for our family. 

Lillie was diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) around age 4. At first, I dismissed it. I told myself, all little girls were energetic and that she’d grow out of it. I even called her my “Loud Liberated Lillie”. But by age 5 there was no denying she was a lot more hyper than other kids.

Sometimes it felt like she was intentionally loud, destructive, careless, and mean. Even though I now understand it was far more complicated than that. 

It’s hard not to take those behaviors personally when you’re living them every day. 

Eventually, her doctor and therapist added an additional diagnosis of Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD).

Most of her behavior seemed to be at its worst at home. Affecting me and me alone. The therapist and doctors said it’s because “I was her safe place.” They offered medication, but I wasn’t ready. I worried about labels. I worried about changing who she was. I didn’t want my kid being “labeled” or her being medicated for only my benefit. Looking back, I realize a lot of those fears came from my own misunderstandings about ADHD. 

Pre K she had a wonderful teacher who loved her energy. She was such a blessing to our family. She knew exactly how to talk with Lillie. In kindergarten we were still doing great. First grade was our first sign of struggle. The teacher was more meek and quiet spoken and Lillie saw her as easy and would triumph over her. But with a lot of struggle and extra homework help we made it through. Second grade was when everything became undeniable.

She would sleep during class because she was bored. She’d stand up and run around. They could get her to focus or sit still. We finally agreed to medication and things slowly improved. But it was too late to catch up with her peers and she was retained. I felt like I had failed her because of my own biased opinion and lack of education about her diagnosis. 

I joined support groups on Facebook. That was a bad idea. Everyone said such extreme things about their kids that it scared me. I turned to family members and my own peers for advice. But that was met with judgment and differing opinions from everyone.

Then I found the book “The Defiant Child” by Dr. Douglas A Riley. That was the first real helpful information I had found. I felt like maybe I was learning to understand my kid for the first time. It didn’t solve every problem overnight, but it completely changed how I approached parenting her.

We soared through our second year of second grade. A few hiccups again in third grade but nothing unmanageable. We had to adjust medication and therapy but we handled it all. Then we got to fourth grade and it was back down hill. I got messages from teachers almost daily, she would sleep in class even though she got plenty of rest at home. She’d fake sleep just to ignore them. She swatted at a teacher’s hand who tried to nudge her awake. She hid and threw away homework to avoid doing it. I communicated with the teachers to get her assignments daily and they told me that’s her responsibility. She needs to learn to be responsible for her own work. They expected independence before she had the skills to manage it. In the midst of that overwhelming situation and fear, it made me feel as if they were refusing to even help us. To help Lillie. The school bus was the worst. She’d flip over seats, run up and down the aisle and was even accused of bullying another kid. We told the driver to sit her in the front seat. He claimed she would just move and didn’t have time to deal with her. 

Then we were informed she was going to be retained again. It was still the first nine weeks of school and they had already given up on her and decided.

I had to do something.

I knew from all my research that ADHD kids were less likely to graduate high school already. Not to mention the added diagnosis of ODD behavioral disorder. My child was already looking at being 19 years old before she graduated. I knew in my bones she would never stay in school long enough to graduate after being retained again. And these were the easy grades. How was she going to keep up in middle school and high school? Was she just going to be held back over and over again?

My best friend’s children were enrolled in a small local faith based private school. They offered neurodiverse specialized education and regular academic grades K-12 for neurotypical children.

I decided we had nothing else to lose and applied for their scholarship and had her transferred within the week. 

She went from a class size of 26 in public school to 14. She now had two recesses, free time, no homework (as long as she did her classwork) and teachers that actually cared about her progress and wanted to see her succeed. 

Lilie loved her teacher instantly. She had a few friends she knew. And actually was excited to go to school again. She finally told me she always felt like the teachers at her old school didn’t like her but now her new teacher always smiles and hugs her. She told me she felt like she belonged here. I knew we made the right choice when by Christmas they were talking about advancing her to the next grade. 

Now my daughter loves school. I don’t get phone calls almost every day anymore. I still dread and fear Parent-teacher conferences because of our history but I am sure that will pass eventually. She comes home smiling instead of defeated. She’s participating in activities; soccer, bowling and reading for fun. And my girl should actually graduate on time.

Do I believe private school is right for every kid? No. Do I know and understand she is advancing so well because their school curriculum is slower paced and easier? Yes. Have I been accused of putting her somewhere that will just push her through the system? Also yes. And in her case I am okay with that.

There are more opportunities for a high school graduate than a drop out. She may never go to college… or she may. But as her mama, and her advocate I chose what would give her the best chances and the best opportunity at graduating high school. 🎓

Our youngest receives reading awards and scores in the top of her class on testing. So for her the best choice is her public school where she thrives. Our oldest gets average grades, has a great circle of friends and enjoys her school activities. So she also thrives right where she is. 

After school pick up time might be inconvenient and balancing three schedules sometimes feels like I need a color-coded map and a master’s degree in logistics. But I’d do it again tomorrow. 

Because now, every one of my children is where they belong.

The best education doesn’t always happen under the same roof. Sometimes loving your kids well means realizing they don’t all need the same thing.

And that? That’s okay.

Editor’s Note: This article shares our family’s personal experience. Every child with ADHD or ODD is different, and what worked for our daughter may not be the right choice for another family. If you’re struggling, I encourage you to work closely with your child’s pediatrician, therapist, and educators to determine the best path for your child.

And I highly recommend The Defiant Child by Dr. Douglas A. Riley. Even if your child doesn’t have ADHD or ODD, I think every parent can take something away from it.

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Until next time…
Keep building a beautiful life between coffee & chaos,
💛 Tiffany

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